• Elizabeth Goh

Dear Santa

Friday, December 15, 2017


Dear Santa,


It’s that time of the year again when you take all the credit for the presents that we parents spend our hard-earned money on, and spend sleepless nights wrapping into awkward, ugly bundles.


But this Christmas, I’m looking forward to telling my son that his gifts are from the jolly ol’ uncle who comes from far, far away, because I just know he’s going to love these presents:


Toy Donation Express: Special delivery service to underprivileged children


Every week, my son will pack up a few of his toys and use this service to deliver them to orphanages, shelter homes and underprivileged families around the country.


How he will choose the toys to be donated: toys that are only played with for less than half a day, toys that are not kept away at the end of the day, and toys that annoy his mother to no end.

Photo: Too many toys at home?

Manners: A Book for Bratty, Demanding Children


My son would really like a book that teaches him the polite way of phrasing every single question in the known universe.


Want a snack just before dinnertime? Ask politely (the answer is ‘no’).


Want to have all your Paw Patrol toys in bed? Ask politely (the answer is ‘only Marshall’).


Want me to stop the car in the middle of the highway so that I can pick up the book you just threw down a second ago? Ask politely (the answer is ‘stop being a brat’).


Want to delay bedtime for all eternity? Ask politely (at this point, I’m already screaming my head off and negating everything he’s learned from the book)


The Automated Bubble


My son thinks it would be great to have a soundproof bubble that pops up automatically around him when he’s about to throw a tantrum or start whining.


He just loves the idea of being enclosed within the insulated bubble and being deafened by the melodic sounds of his own high-pitched screaming that nobody else can hear.


Cars with bald tyres


My son reckons that toy manufacturers shouldn’t make toy cars with those removable rubber tyre bits.


He thinks the rubber bits are pointless. That’s why he keeps removing them from every single wheel of all the cars and losing them.


If all cars came with bald tyres, then he wouldn’t feel compelled to remove the rubber bits, and his mother wouldn’t yell at him so much for losing them.


Vegetables

Photo: Perhaps Santa needs to replace his cookies with some vegetables too?

More than anything else, my son would really like to eat all the vegetables in the world. Right now, he doesn’t eat anything but broccoli because he’s afraid of hurting broccoli’s feelings if he eats other veggies.


But actually, he secretly loves all the other veggies. In fact, Santa, I think you should come into the house and remove all the chocolates and goldfish crackers because he won’t be needing those anymore.


We don’t have a chimney, but I’ll leave a set of the house keys for you under the recycling box. (Please don’t judge me for all the empty bottles of wine.)


Sincerely yours,

A mother who is tired of finding tiny rubber tyres in her refrigerator



Elizabeth Goh used to be a full-time reader before she had her son. Now she only reads children's books. She uses all those words that she has picked up to write stuff for other people.

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